JIMs is my story -

Got tested and was HIV+. I knew it was bound to happen one day. Everything else was fine. I took the results to my doctor and then we looked at my viral load and decided that as I was real healthy I didn't need to go on anything.

Lots of the guys are HIV+. It is almost like we are all the same now, and there really isn't much too worry about. I eat healthy and work out at the gym. I'm careful with drugs too - and I'm not an alki! I get my teeth seen regularly, watch my weight and I won't have sex when I don't feel comfortable with the situation. If the guy I'm with is negative, or hasn't been tested, then of course I use a rubber. I'm not that stupid!

But ..... No-one said it WASN'T OK to bareback, especially since I'm a top and I would always pull out .... y'know "Cum outside!" ... which is really rich coz I'm a smoker and in this city we can't smoke inside! Well, I got on-line with this guy in a chat room. We agreed to meet at the Church on Wellesley, bar with great sound system. Ultra-cool vibe .....

Great evening.

We are getting hot and heavy and he asks me why I'm getting out a condom. So I tell him and he laughs. "No one does that anymore - haven't you heard - it's manageable and I'm positive anyway"

So I kinda felt foolish. Uncool.

Surprising how many other guys I know are also doing this. So why am I being paranoid if this is OK?

Went to Club XXXL five weeks ago. Lots of crystal, lots of cocktails and lots of sex. I didn't have time to think about anything - and it was HIV+ only. I know that because my best friend Rob told me so - that's why I went. Great 'evening' ..... 'night' ...... 'day'...... Open season on everything and everyone - Fuckin' A+!

Took me the next two days to recover.

Went to the doc two weeks ago - and just back from there today. My viral load had gone from undetectable to something (50,000??) and my T-cell count was 300. So I thought, no worries, I'll start the antivirals.

That was a shock, the runs, sweating, shaking, can't sleep, can't eat and my mouth feels like a parrot's cage. I felt worse on the medication than I did before. I had the anal warts removed the day after I went to my doc. Might as well get healthy all at one time.

Today the doc took blood again. Told me not to worry - but the look on his face .... And he asked me to take it easy on myself. Cut back on the cocktails, stop smoking and maybe even try an anti-depressant. Me, Mr. Party-Party himself!!! Must admit I feel bad and I don't seem to want to get out of bed.

Doc has asked me to go back in ten days. If the meds haven't kicked in by then we'll try something else.

I thought it was OK to fuck without a rubber if we were all HIV+. Barebacking is fine if you are careful. No real risk. No one said anything after I got tested the first time.

But when I told Rob about how I felt - he got off the phone real quick. And I left him another message and an email - hasn't got back with me. I thought about going out again tonight but I don't look that good. Gotta keep up my reputation! LOL!

I've just seen I have this weird rash ..... in patches, even a little on my face.

Oh, well ...... weird thought .......

Am I dying? Tell me ......