So ~
Today actualitycat has decided to let seernnadivad.org go and put everything onto here. Why? You may ask - you may not realize but it costs money to do all of that - and three actual sites seems a little extravagant. I can move everything here and edit as I want! Also - I get to blog mobile. Oh Joy! you say.

So ~ introducing Martha:

DO YOU KNOW ME?

So this is my story -

I hadn't dated for awhile. Not since I had a herpes outbreak. I remember that day. I suppose you do, don't you. I went to Planned Parenthood, where I get the Pill and they told me that they thought it was Herpes. The nurse asked if I wanted to get tested for everything else while I was at it and, of course, I said Yes. Well, you would, wouldn't you.

She asked if I wanted to get tested for the AIDS virus. I said yes, because I thought it would be better to know and then I would get it all cleared up in one go. She took the blood, asked me if I knew the person that I got Herpes from and I said yes because I thought that I did. I had been dating this one guy and then he and I had had a fight and I had gone home with a friend of mine from work. We kinda fooled around and, well, we ended up having sex. I was on the Pill so I wasn't really worried and he looked OK. Anyway I had known him for years.

The outbreak was a real surprise. I didn't realize until then that they could really hurt. Even sitting down was painful. I didn't say anything to anyone because me and my boyfriend had got back together again. I thought that I would tell him when I got the results and just pretended that I had a UTI so we wouldn't have sex.

Then she called and said the results were back. When I went in she told me that I had Herpes and that a medicine would suppress it. Then she asked me if I had had sex with multiple partners. I burst into tears because I hadn't - just the one time with this guy from work and my boyfriend.

She got quiet and then said she had some serious stuff to tell me - that I had tested HIV+. I didn't understand her at first. Then when I realized what she was saying she said "Don't worry, it's not a Death Sentence now. We have all sorts of interventions if they become necessary". She asked if I had a doctor I could trust and advised me to talk with him about my "options".

You can imagine, I wanted to just get out of there. When I got home I got on line and read that there were options. That I probably did not need medication after I had got rid of the Herpes and that I would have to be careful, but life would pretty much be the same. Just I would have to make sure that my boyfriend wore a condom. And - if I wanted children we'd have to plan that more carefully so that I did not pass it on. I cried a lot that week.

I told my boyfriend that I had Herpes and suggested, like the nurse said, that he get tested. He blew up and accused me of sleeping around. He kept asking me for names. But he went to Public Health and got tested. He had the AIDS test too because he wanted to know. Ten days later he told me he was clean - but he'd already dumped me.

Because the nurse had told me to I asked the other guy to get tested. He came back positive for Herpes - the bad kind - like me, and he said that I must have given it to him. I wanted to know what the other results were but he wouldn't tell me and he threatened to get me fired if I harassed him again. So I didn't dare talk to him.

I pretty much didn't talk to anyone.

For a long time.

Then I started to look at online dating. By this time me and a girlfriend had moved in together. The Herpes wasn't bothering me and I thought there was no harm in some IM or phone sex. If I thought about dating someone I didn't know what I was going to say about the Herpes and the other thing so I thought I would cross that bridge when it came down to actually meeting .

November 2005 I met Chris in a chat room on yahoo. His profile is still there. But if you want to read you can look down below. I haven't put the picture up because you might know him.

So we chatted on line for about two weeks and then at Thanksgiving he asked me to go with him to a friend's house. We had a great time. He was super friendly, and drove me home sober - first time that anyone has ever been sober enough to drive me home.

The we went out again, just the two of us. We started to fool around and I really felt that I could trust him, so I asked if he had a condom. He said yes and we had sex all over his apartment. I felt great. The next time we met he automatically reached for the condom. Cool.

After about six dates like this he asked if I was on the Pill and when I said yes he then said "So there's another reason why you want protection." I felt that he really cared and so I told him all about the Herpes. I still felt strange but I felt kinda better. I'd trusted him and he didn't let me down.

The next time I slept over because it was Friday. When I woke up he had made a tray of coffee and eggs and all that stuff you only read about in Cosmo. The he said "I've got a secret too - I'm POZ." I had never heard that word before but he showed me a website for HIV+ people and told me that he had felt safe enough to tell me from the first time we met. I felt marvelous.

It didn't matter that he was dating other people because I didn't want a serious commitment either. I just wanted to feel good and Chris made me feel more than good. Then he said that he knew that I must be POZ too and that if that was the case then we didn't have to use condoms because we were both the same. We couldn't pass it on because we already had it. Which made sense - especially as he also said that we would take care if I had an outbreak.

It wasn't as if either of us had AIDS.

His doctor had said that he didn't need to take meds because his viral load was undetectable. I had sex that day for the first time in ages without a condom. And I didn't feel bad. Chris took me to see his doctor when he went in that next week. Just to be introduced - just in case I might need someone. It seemed a nice place but probably too expensive for me. I noticed that he paid for his visit by check.

Chris introduced me to his friends and we all hung out at weekends around his hot tub. A little wine, good food, music and some people used drugs. I didn't want to and so I just enjoyed the freedom of everyone being HIV+ and knowing that I wasn't doing any harm. A couple of times we even had a couple of ball players over. We all played with each other. First time for me - I had sex with a girl! I must say I felt weird when I saw Chris with one of the ball players. But then I hadn't been around much.

Then, one day when I was at the gym I noticed that I couldn't catch my breath. I had always had some allergies so I thought it was that and that I'd soon get back to normal. Me and Chris were getting on fine and I loved the fooling around in the hot tub. His friends were such fun. It was the bestest time. I didn't even have an outbreak.

Three months ago - I did have an outbreak. I was raw down there, and then there was the cough. I took the medication and eventually the Herpes went away. When I told Chris about the cough he called his doctor who recommended Dr. Solomon at the Market Clinic. First thing he said was that I had Mycobacterium Avium from the hot tub - hot tub lung. I'd never heard of it but the doctor told me it would be OK. I just needed to take the time to look at taking care of myself. So I went on prednisone while we went on with the testing. Chris was cool until he saw the warts and I tested positive for HPV - you know, the virus that can cause cervical cancer.

So the parties have stopped.

And the cough got worse, my chest is tight, I have diarrhea and I can't relax. Apparently my 'viral load' has shot up and my CD4 count is way down. I'm always sweating and I'm too sick to work. I don't sleep at night and I can't get on the antivirals for HIV until the TB is knocked down. The meds aren't working. I'm just sick.

When did Hot Tub Lung turn into TB? They didn't tell me that - I thought TB was something poor children got in the 1930's. I thought there was no TB now.

Chris said it wouldn't matter - that we were both POZ and that if something happened HIV was manageable. The nurse didn't say anything - they never told me anything. They say that there are 'options'. So if there are options where are they? Why didn't they tell me to go to the doctor when I went to Planned Parenthood? Why did I leave it?

I wrote an email to Chris the day before yesterday. He won't reply. I'm no fun now and he doesn't want to get sick. And I don't want him to get sick ..... I don't want his friends to get sick neither.

I've been so stupid.

Am I dying? Tell me ......

CHRISTOPHER411
GENDER:	Male
CURRENT STATUS:	single
LOOKING FOR:	Friends, Friends with benefits, Action, Casual Dating, Relationship, I really don't know what's happening right now.........I'm just happy to relax and meet like minds!
BODY TYPE:	Average, Muscular, Height / Weight proportionate
EYES:	Hazel
HEIGHT:	5' 11"
HAIR TYPE:	Brown, Black, Grey, Straight, Spiky
AGE:	35
SEEKS:	Woman for Dating Woman for Friendship
EDUCATION:	Post Graduate
OCCUPATION:	Environmental Attorney
ETHNICITY:	European, lived in States since 1980. Father from US
POLITICS/RELIGION:	Agnostic, mildly 'pink', socially aware
WANT CHILDREN:	No
WANT MARRIAGE:	No
HABITS:	Non smoker, social drinker, Reading, Sex, omnivore Creating, Working out, Watching movies, Dining out, Communing with nature, Worshipping the beautiful game.
DREAMS:	Soccer freak - England 6 ~ Brazil 0
YOU, & ME:	Believes that England deserves to win the world cup in 2006 (You must excel at the majority of these requirements) Drama free. Smart. Independent. NOT clingy. Open minded. Fun. Kind hearted, open-minded, sex positive.
LOCATION:	WA